crazy love

as an english major applying to medical school, i very commonly get asked about books i'm reading, and due to my recent choice of books, it's become an inevitable opener into my faith. during each of three of my most recent interviews, i have had the opportunity to elaborate on books like crazy love and forgotten God by francis chan or preach and heal by dr. charles fielding, often to the disgruntlement of my interviewers. though my interviewers have normally looked irritated and very quickly changed the subject, one reacted in a way i'm unable to forget.

my first interview had started late and ran late, so ten minutes after my scheduled time, i arrive at my second interviewer's door. a few minutes into his questions, something brought up an event or program relating to church that i'd done. he then asked me which church i attended, to which he responded, "so you're baptist. they seem to be nice people. good morals." and he changed the subject.

the questions that followed quickly turned to ethics and abortion and stem cell research and the like, and although i felt i answered them well and made my beliefs evident, i realized that he (being a human geneticist) could very well be a pro-choice atheist. but he kept asking questions, so i kept answering. and his face remained blank and emotionless beyond the scrunch of an eyebrow and a pensive gaze at my file in front of him. a few questions later, he closed my file and pushed it aside.

then, with his hands clasped together on the table, he leaned forward and asked without the slightest hint of a whisper, "will you pray for me?"

my initial shock of his question was quickly outweighed by my excitement at the opportunity to answer it. he immediately began to pour out stories of his struggles in defending His christian faith in his field of research. how he's been discriminated against because of his beliefs. how his lab members shunned him because he wouldn't let a student do research on early embryos. how he'd been beaten down by his colleagues because he'd publicly proclaimed himself as a christian at a guest lecture in another state. how discouraged he was when another colleague who claimed to be christian faltered under the pressure of persecution and is now going along with research contrary to their beliefs. how he'd become so discouraged in the midst of this that he had to be taken to the hospital for his depression.

and how in the depths of that depression, he made the decision to continue to stand up for God, to continue to proclaim His name despite whatever reputation he might suffer or job he might lose. yes, he's still looking for another job elsewhere. but until God moves him, he is still in this place for a reason, and he refuses to sit passively or run from it. yes it's hard. yes it's discouraging. but yes, it's in God's hands.

how encouraging was it to meet this man, who despite working in an incredibly difficult field for believers and receiving constant persecution as a result of his beliefs, continues to share and fight for the Gospel in his everyday life.

to me, this illustrated an example of the "crazy love" i want to have--that i want to live out with every breath left in me--for my God above. but even beyond the encouragement of seeing someone so passionately in love with God and striving so hard to uphold His name despite persecution, how much conviction did i feel in my own actions of that day. how much did i feel myself pulling back or choosing words more cautiously so as not to crack the eggshells i was walking on as violently? how much relief did i feel when the topic finally did change and the pressure on me and my beliefs was lifted? how much did i not use those opportunities to proclaim the Gospel? how much more will i fade on this witness stand, stammering in response to the fire squad, and then rushing, relieved, to my seat in the crowd?

maybe i'm exaggerating my lack of action a bit. i mean, after all, i still talked about the books and made it apparent that i was a christian. i still showed that my reasons for being pro-life fell along the same religious line. oh, and i smiled the whole time. i didn't fail that badly, right?

yes i did.

because the danger in letting my thoughts follow that path is that not only am i justifying my weaknesses in defending His name in my interview, but i'm shifting the focus from Him to me. my actions. my words. my impression on the interviewer.

and then it's not only my responses in interviews that i'm trying to justify, but the conversation about the Gospel that i didn't have with a girl on the bus because it was too early or there were too many people around or they might think i'm strange or ______ (insert excuse here). or only spending a couple days in the Word a week because it's 4am and i'm too tired to really be able to focus or so-and-so said they haven't read much recently either so that's okay; i don't feel as bad if i'm not the only one slacking.

sound familiar?

the point here is not to focus on our consistent moments of weakness or failure to share or defend or even seek the Gospel. the point is not to beat ourselves down and focus on us and how pitiful we are and how we didn't do it right. the point is to recognize this and realign with Him.

do we love Him enough to truly seek Him? to serve Him? to stand boldly and vulnerable and defend His name? do we love Him, or merely the idea of Him?

He is not an idea. He is a supernatural being greater than anything we can imagine, with works more extraordinary than we can ever grasp with our human minds. pick a psalm and read of His glory, His power, His miracles, His mercy, His faithfulness, Him. He is God.

how great is He in your life? (which He created and sustains, lest we forget that truth)